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Home > Parenting the Adopted Adolescent > Parenting the Adopted Adolescent-When Parents Should Become Concerned...What They Can Do
Parenting the Adopted Adolescent
Factsheet for Families
6. When Parents Should Become Concerned...What They Can Do Adopted teens may experience strong emotions, especially related to their adoption. It would be unusual for their adopted status not to affect them. A teen's sense of abandonment, quest for identity, and need for control probably do not have their origin in poor parenting by the adoptive parents. If a teen decides to search for his or her birthparents, it is not necessarily an indication of a problem. Research indicates that some adoptees simply have a strong need to know about their biological roots. "One of the misconceptions [that adoptive parents have]," says Marshall Schechter, M.D., professor emeritus in child and adolescent psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania School of Medicine, "is that they have done something to make their child want to search. They haven't. Everyone needs to know that they are part of a continuum of a family ... As more is learned about genetics, scientists are discovering that many talents or personality traits have a genetic basis. So it should not be surprising that teenagers who focus on developing an identity should begin thinking about their origin." It is more likely that a teen will have problems in families "where the parents insist that adoption is no different from the biological parent–child relationship," says Kenneth Kirby, Ph.D., from the Department of Clinical Psychiatry at Northwestern University School of Medicine in Chicago. Teens know that it is different. Teens do better when their parents understand their curiosity about their genetic history and allow them to express their grief, anger, and fear. The following behaviors may indicate a teen is struggling with adoption issues:
If your family style is one of open communication, you may be able to deal with these issues without professional help. Educate yourself through books or workshops run by agencies that provide postadoption services. Join an adoptive parent support group, which can be a valuable resource for families. Child Welfare Information Gateway can refer you to adoptive parent support groups in your area. Support groups also exist for adopted teenagers. Chances are that if you have not been comfortable discussing adoption issues with your child in the past, it will be difficult to begin now. "The time to start talking about these issues is when children are younger," says MaryLou Edgar, postadoption specialist with Tressler Lutheran Children's Services in Wilmington, Delaware. "Otherwise, your kids know you aren't comfortable with the subject. It's like sex. One talk when your child is 12 isn't enough." Nonetheless, even if these discussions have not taken place earlier, it is up to the parents to initiate them with their teenagers, Edgar advises. Many families benefit from seeing a therapist who specializes in working with adoptive families. Adoptive family organizations, adoption agencies in your area, and Information Gateway may be helpful in suggesting knowledgeable therapists. (See Information Gateway factsheet, "Postadoption Services: A Factsheet for Families", for a discussion of the types of therapists. See Addendum II at the end of this factsheet for other tips.) As with all teens, you should seek professional help if you see any of the following behaviors:
If adoption is part of the problem, openly addressing adoption issues will improve the chances that the treatment will be effective. Parents who recognize that their teens have two sets of parents and who don't feel threatened by that fact are more likely to establish a more positive environment for their teens, one that will make them feel more comfortable to express their feelings. "Kids know early on what subjects their parents are uncomfortable discussing and will avoid them," says McCabe. "Secrets take a lot of energy. When there is freedom to discuss adoption issues, there is much less of a burden on the family." "There is a significant difference in the way teenagers perceive themselves when they have information about their birth families—ethnic heritage, abilities, education, or just what they looked like," says Marcie Griffen, postadoption counselor at Hope Cottage Adoption Services in Dallas, Texas. "When they know why they were placed for adoption, it tends to help their self-esteem and give them a better sense of who they are." Sue Badeau understands her children's need to connect with their biological parents. She and her husband Hector agree that openness is important to the well-being of everyone in the adoption triad (adoptive parents, birthparents, and the adopted person). The Badeaus are committed to helping their children discover their roots if and when they want to. Recently, the Badeaus located the birthmother of four of their children: Flora, Sue Ann, Abel, and George. Flora, 13, was having trouble giving up the fantasy that her birthmother was going to come back for them so "they could live happily ever after." Sue and Hector persuaded their children's birthmother to assist them in helping Flora put her fantasies to rest. The birthmother helped Flora understand why she and her siblings were placed for adoption. Sue Ann was grateful for the chance to have some of her questions answered, but the boys wanted nothing to do with their birthmother at that time. "I keep telling all of my kids that their families did the best that they could," says Sue. "Birthmothers aren't the horrible monsters people make them out to be, but real people who make mistakes." ConclusionAdolescence can be a confusing time for teens. Adopted teens may have special issues connected to identity formation, rejection, control, and the need to connect with one's roots. It helps when parents are understanding and supportive. Questions surrounding these issues are not a reflection of adoptive parents' parenting style. Wanting to know about their birth family does not mean that adopted teens are rejecting their adoptive family. If your family has a long-standing history of openness, honesty, and comfort with adoption, chances are that you will be able to help your teen work through adolescence. When openness has not been your family style, or if you see alarming behaviors such as drug use or withdrawal from enjoyable activities, you should seek professional help. Mental health experts are confident that adopted teens can confront and resolve their developmental issues just as their nonadopted peers do. With the support and understanding of their parents, adopted teens can forge even stronger family bonds that will continue to nurture their future relationships. Written by Gloria Hochman and Anna Huston of the National Adoption Center in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, for Child Welfare Information Gateway, 1995. BibliographyFor Parents Benson, Peter L., Sharma, Anu R., and Roehlkepartain, Eugene C. Growing Up Adopted: A Portrait of Adolescents and Their Families. Minneapolis, MN: The Search Institute, 1994. Brodzinsky, David M. and Schechter, Marshall D. The Psychology of Adoption. New York: Oxford University Press, 1990. Brusch, Les, ed. The Mental Health Challenge of Special Needs Adoption. Portland, OR: Children's Psychiatric Day Treatment Center, Oregon Health Sciences University, 1987. Cline, Foster W. and Fay, Jim. Parenting Teens With Love and Logic. Colorado Springs, CO: Piñon Press, 1992. Delaney, Richard J. and Kunstal, Frank R. Troubled Transplants: Unconventional Strategies for Helping Disturbed Foster and Adopted Children. Portland, ME: University of Southern Maine, 1993. Kirk, David. Shared Fate: A Theory and Method of Adoptive Relationships. Washington, DC: Ben-Simon Publications, 1984. Kunstal, Frank R. "Growing Up Adopted: Taking Risks," Adoptive Families, vol. 28 no. 1, Jan/Feb 1995, p. 62. Magid, Ken and McKelvey, Carole A. High Risk: Children Without a Conscience. New York: Bantam Books, 1987. Melina, Lois. "Black Identity Serves to Protect Ego, Give Purpose, and Bridge Cultures," Adopted Child, vol. 14 no. 1, Jan 1995. Melina, Lois Ruskai and Roszia, Sharon Kaplan. The Open Adoption Experience. New York: HarperPerennial, 1993. Melina, Lois. "Adoption Issues Converge With Adolescent Issues for Teens, Parents," Adopted Child, vol. 11 no. 6, Jun 1992.
Nickman, S.L. "Losses in Adoption: The Need for Dialogue," The Psychoanalytic Study of the Child, vol. 40, 1985, pp. 365–397. Reitz, Miriam and Watson, Kenneth W. Adoption and the Family System. New York: The Guilford Press, 1992. Schooler, Jayne E. Searching for a Past. Colorado Springs, CO: Piñon Press, 1995. Severson, Randolph W. A Mighty Time: Talking to Your Adopted Adolescent About Sex. Dallas, TX: House of Tomorrow Productions, 1991. Smith, Jerome and Miroff, Franklin I. You're Our Child: The Adoption Experience. Lanham, MD: Madison Books, 1987. Stein, Leslie M. and Hoopes, Janet L. Identity Formation in the Adopted Adolescent. New York: Child Welfare League of America, 1985. Von Bergen, Jane M. "In a Family Way," The Philadelphia Inquirer Magazine, Nov. 13, 1994, pp. 20–26. For Adolescents Blomquist, Geraldine M. Coping As a Foster Child. New York: The Rosen Publishing Group, 1992. Cohen, Shari. Coping With Being Adopted. New York: The Rosen Publishing Group, 1988. Duprau, J. Adoption: The Facts, Feelings, and Issues of a Double Heritage. New York: Julian Messner, 1990. Gravelle, Karen and Fischer, Susan. Where Are My Birth Parents? A Guide for Teenage Adoptees. New York: Walker and Company, 1993. Kremetz, Jill. How It Feels to Be Adopted. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1988. Lifton, B.J. I'm Still Me. New York: Alfred A. Knopf, 1981. Nerlove, Evelyn. Who Is David? A Story of an Adopted Adolescent and His Friends. New York: Child Welfare League of America, 1985. Powledge, Fred. So You're Adopted: A Book About the Experience of Being Adopted. New York: Charles Scriber's Sons, 1982. Storr, Catherine. Vicky. London: Faber and Faber, 1981.
This material may be freely reproduced and distributed. However, when doing so, please credit Child Welfare Information Gateway. |
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