Parenting a Child Who Has Been Sexually Abused: A Guide for Foster and Adoptive Parents

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1. Educating Yourself

The first step to helping a child who may have been a victim of sexual abuse is to understand more about how sexual abuse is defined, behaviors that may indicate abuse has occurred, how these behaviors may differ from typical sexual behaviors in children, and how sexual abuse may affect children.

What is Child Sexual Abuse?

Child sexual abuse is defined in Federal law by the Child Abuse Prevention and Treatment Act (42 U.S.C. sec. 5106g(4)) as:

...the employment, use, persuasion, inducement, enticement, or coercion of any child to engage in, or assist any other person to engage in, any sexually explicit conduct or simulation of such conduct for the purpose of producing a visual depiction of such conduct; or the rape, and in cases of caretaker or inter-familial relationships, statutory rape, molestation, prostitution, or other form of sexual exploitation of children, or incest with children.

Within this Federal guideline, each State is responsible for establishing its own legal definition of child sexual abuse.

For more information, see the Child Sexual Abuse section of the Child Welfare Information Gateway website: www.childwelfare.gov/can/identifying/sex_abuse.cfm

For legal definitions in each State, see Information Gateway's Definitions of Child Abuse and Neglect:
www.childwelfare.gov/systemwide/laws_policies/statutes/define.cfm

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Signs of Sexual Abuse

If you are a foster or adoptive parent to a child from the foster care system, you may not know whether he or she has been sexually abused. Child welfare agencies usually share all known information about your child's history with you; however, many children do not disclose past abuse until they feel safe. For this reason, foster or adoptive parents are sometimes the first to learn that sexual abuse has occurred. Even when there is no documentation of prior abuse, you may suspect abuse because of the child's behavior.

Determining whether a child has been abused requires a careful evaluation by a trained professional. While it is normal for all children to have and express sexual curiosity, children who have been sexually abused may demonstrate behaviors that are outside of the range of what might be considered normal. (See table on the following page.) There is no one specific sign or behavior that can be considered proof that sexual abuse has occurred. However, many professionals and organizations agree that you might consider the possibility of sexual abuse when one or several of the following signs or behaviors are present:

• Sexual knowledge, interest, or language that is unusual for the child's age
• Sexual activities with toys or other children that seem unusual, aggressive, or unresponsive to limits or redirection
• Excessive masturbation, sometimes in public, not responsive to redirection or limits
• Pain, itching, redness, or bleeding in the genital areas
• Nightmares, trouble sleeping, or fear of the dark
• Sudden or extreme mood swings: rage, fear, anger, excessive crying, or withdrawal
• "Spacing out" at odd times
• Loss of appetite, or difficulty eating or swallowing
• Cutting, burning, or other self-mutilating behaviors as an adolescent
• Talking about a new, older friend
• Unexplained avoidance of certain people, places, or activities
• An older child behaving like a much younger child: wetting the bed or sucking a thumb, for example
• Suddenly having money

Again, these are only signs of a potential problem; they must be evaluated by a professional along with other information. The following organizations contributed to the above list and offer more information about behavioral signs of sexual abuse on their websites:

• Stop It Now!
  www.stopitnow.com/warnings.html#behavioral
• Childhelp®
  www.childhelp.org
• National Center for Missing & Exploited Children
  www.missingkids.com

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Healthy Sexual Development in Children

Children's sexual interest, curiosity, and behaviors develop gradually over time and may be influenced by many factors, including what children see and experience. Sexual behavior is not in and of itself a sign that abuse has occurred. The table below lists some of the sexual behaviors common among children of different age groups, as well as some behaviors that might be considered less common or unhealthy²

For a more complete list, or if you have any questions or concerns about your child's sexual behaviors, call the Stop It Now! toll-free helpline at 1.888.PREVENT (1.888.773.8368).

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Factors Affecting the Impact of Sexual Abuse

If you suspect, or a professional has determined, that a child in your care has been a victim of sexual abuse, it is important to understand how children may be affected.

All children who have been sexually abused have had their physical and emotional boundaries violated and crossed. With this violation often comes a breach of the child's sense of security and trust. Abused children may come to believe that the world is not a safe place and that adults are not trustworthy.

However, children who have experienced sexual abuse are not all affected the same way. As with other types of abuse, many factors influence how children think and feel about the abuse, how the abuse affects them, and how their recovery progresses. Some factors that can affect the impact of abuse include:

• The relationship of the abuser to the child and how much the abuse caused a betrayal of trust
• The abuser's use of "friendliness" or seduction
• The abuser's use of threats of harm or violence, including threats to pets, siblings, or parents
• The abuser's use of secrecy
• How long the abuse occurred
• Gender of the abuser being the same as or different from the child
• The age (developmental level) of the child at the time of the abuse (younger children are more vulnerable)
• The child's emotional development at the time of the abuse
• The child's ability to cope with his or her emotional and physical responses to the abuse (for example, fear and arousal)
• How much responsibility the child feels for the abuse

It is very important for children to understand that they are not to blame for the abuse they experienced. Your family's immediate response to learning about the sexual abuse and ongoing acceptance of what the child has told you will play a critical role in your child's ability to recover and go back to a healthy life. (See the last section of this factsheet, Seeking Help, for more information about healing from abuse.)

² The list is adapted from the Stop It Now! publication, Prevent Child Sexual Abuse: Facts About Those Who Might Commit It (2005). Additional information was provided by Eliana Gil, Ph.D, RPT-S, ATR, specialist, trainer, and consultant in working with children who have been abused and their families. See the website: www.elianagil.com. back

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